Journal Entry 1: The Search for Balance

A quick background on me: I love to bake and share recipes, I love to travel and share pictures and stories, I love being social and sharing my  new experiences and fun memories, and as every other human out there I  struggle through life’s challenges and will share those as well. Although Journal Entries may not always be the most lighthearted and fun reading material, the thoughts make up who I am and I blog to share parts of me with you.

June 13, 2013

This morning my emotions are out of control. I’m incredibly sad, and honestly really pissed off. All I want to do is call my mom, because that’s what we do when we’re sad. We revert to our inner child who wants to curl up on their mother’s lap, be told everything will be ok while having our hair stroked, and then be left with some impacting insight that comes only from a mother’s wise heart and love for their child. But I am upset because I feel like my mother has been taken away from me. When I sit with her, we most often sit in silence. She rarely participates in conversations, and when she does have something to say, it’s simple. My mother has not been taken away from me. I know I am so fortunate to have her here on Earth and in my life. I know that I am so lucky that I can pick up my life and move in with my parents to be closer and enjoy as many moments as possible with her. I know these things and I know that I am blessed, yet I feel anger and overwhelming sadness that what I have for a mother feels sometimes like a ghost. I feel betrayed that I am only 31 years old and have a mother who has been prescribed Alzheimer’s medicine.  I feel alone in this grief and am struggling to accept that I am allowed to feel this way.

My faith is strong, I know that God is always with me, available to comfort me, a provider of deep peace, and there to carry me through any hard times. But my struggle is trying to figure out if it’s allowable for me to have feelings of bitterness about a future that doesn’t exist but that I fear one day will. Or am I’m supposed to let go, let God, move on with my day and pray for peace within that day? Can there exist a balance between the two?

As Christians, can we allow ourselves to be pissed off with the hand that’s been dealt, cry about fears of your future, and feel as though you’ve been cheated and robbed? Even though, in our hearts, we know God promises to give us only what he knows we can handle, that he has an amazing plan for our future, and that his gifts for us are plentiful? Is it possible to balance conflicting emotions and if so, how do we find, accept and allow that balance to exist within our lives?

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